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Power Ranger Recaps
Hellbinders, the we're only paying attention to JYB version (part 1) 
29th-May-2011 09:00 pm
MMPR - Old School
This movie involves the devil, assassins, and Johnny Yong Bosch. That's literally all I know about it.

I guess we're in Jerusalem in 1327? Or something? There's a bunch of bible quotes. Johnny Yong Bosch hasn't shown up yet, and I am sad. Oh, and there's two guys fighting. Maybe one of them is the devil, and the other is a knight templar? There's just a lot of punching each other.

WHERE IS MY JOHNNY YONG BOSCH? Or Dan Southworth, I am totally not picky. (Especially because we've been watching Time force all day.)

There's some more captions and then we're suddenly in LA in 2009. Some guys are discussing an old book and they want Darth Maul to kill someone, but Toad thinks they might be cops. There's a lot of gratuitous cursing or something.

There's planning for something? IDEK. They want Snake Eyes to kill a bunch of people, and apparently that's what he does. He's a mercenary. OK.

Random hot chick is waiting for him. "It pays all the money, we kill all the people." Okay, that was pretty great. Except seriously, where is JYB?

There's a scene with a bunch of subtitles that we totally missed. Mostly because we were distracted going "Wait, is that Dan Southworth?" We knew he was in the movie, but apparently he's getting all possessed or something? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Seriously, I have no idea. Apparently we should have paid attention to the subtitles.

Is Dan Southworth the devil now?

HI THERE JOHNNY YONG BOSCH. They're ENEMIES. And JYB just cut some dude's arm off. He's all decked out in NINJA stuff and sadly his very pretty face is covered. And then he cut off some guy's head.

Now it's JYB vs Dan Southworth in a sword fight. I approve of that.

And now, credits.

Back in Jerusalem again, there are some monks? They're discussing the plot, but JYB isn't on screen, so we're not actually paying attention.

Some dude is being tortured? This movie is super gory, IDEK.

QR: Is this supposed to be Jesus or something?

We're not sure, but it might be the devil? They're probably discussing the plot, but we were totally serious about not paying attention when there isn't a Ranger on the screen. Well, a Ranger or Ray Park. We like Ray Park. Why isn't he a Ranger?

Possibly devil guy said a bunch of stuff in a DEEP AND DARK VOICE and then he went all human again, and then we're back in LA.

Snake Eyes is there, and he's super hot. Some other mercenary guys are selling him a bunch of guns. Apparently he was dead for 20 minutes at some point? His (hot) girlfriend is super concerned about him. He doesn't believe in wearing bulletproof vests.

Darth Maul is all "this pays enough to retire" and other mercenary guy smirks and is all "you say that every time." This movie isn't actually that bad, maybe we should pay more attention?

The transitions are seriously awkward, it's a bunch of comic book style-y postcards? And we get one of them, and end up in a Buddhist temple of some sort. JYB shows up to talk to the old priest there, and they talk about his past life, and we find out that JYB's character has killed a bunch of people. (REALLY? I'm pretty sure we got that from him chopping some guy's head off.)

JYB is super pretty.

JYB is also "I killed all four of them" and the priest smirks and is like "try 4,000." Old priest tells JYB to raise an army to fight the bad guys. JYB is all "I have other obligations" and he's taken aback by that, and leaves.

Toad is all ready to attack someone, and the hot girlfriend is all "I have a bad feeling about this." They knock on some door and there's a very tall bouncer who lets them in even though they're carrying guns. Very tall bouncer is very bad at his job.

They talk to some guy and there's some sort of intrigue and blah blah blah, there are no Rangers on the screen. Everyone is standing around being SUPER DRAMATIC. Toad is exchanging some old book for cash. And even though he has his money they are killing ALL THE PEOPLE and it is super gory, and then really hot girlfriend and BFF helper are totally also possessed by whatever possessed Dan Southworth earlier. Really hot girlfriend is fighting the possession, unlike BFF helper. Possibly because she's wearing a cross, since there's a bunch of demons in this movie.

This is a super gory fight scene.

Oooh, Johnny Yong Bosch is apparently spying on Snake Eyes. That would be a great teamup - GI Joe + Power Rangers. Make this happen, universe!

Darth Maul is drinking alone, surrounded by all of his money, and then JYB shows up! \o/ They're going to be friends. Also, JYB is wearing a ton of eyeliner and a badass longcoat. That is totally important to the plot.

JYB is actually going to explain the plot - all of Toad's friends have been possessed, and killing people just releases the demons inside them so they can possess other people.

Seriously, guys, both of you are way better actors than this. At least try to show some emotion.

They're busy discussing what happens after you die. Somehow this leads to JYB realizing that Darth Maul has no soul. They're going to be partners now, or something.

You guys, Devon's Not Really a Ghost was a much better movie than this. Or at least it was way more entertaining.

Some other guy is in some place where there's a lot of drugs. The guy from 1327 is apparently still walking around, being all threatening. He's discussing something, but we're busy looking for other movies with Rangers in them that we hope are more entertaining than this is. Anyone know when The One Warrior comes out? Seriously, that looks RIDICUMAZING.

Suddenly there's a fight scene and its super gory. There's also a lack of Rangers.

And just as I say that, JYB shows up! \o/ He stabs a bunch of people, and then Snake Eyes is back, and JYB and Toad kidnap dude from 1327 to form their band of... something?

Why is JYB's face covered?

The three of them are apparently all immune to possession, which is why they're forming a team.

Some chick is painting a circle using blood. I guess she's one of the demon things. They're planning some ritual.

There's some backstory about JYB being descended from a warrior priest, which is why he's immune. Toad is immune because he was dead for a while, and 1327 guy is immune because of some tattoos.

Okay, Toad is actually really hilarious, he's totally snarky, and making the movie. Well, him, and JYB's eyeliner. (Seriously, what is UP with that.)

1327 guy lets us know that the demons are going to unleash the powers of hell or something. JYB is super disturbed. Then Toad realizes that it's been written down in a book, the same one that he handed over at the beginning of the movie. 1327 guy is totally pissed off, but JYB is playing peacemaker.

They decide to wait until sunrise, and then go ask the priest for help.

There's some SLOW MO and the priest is all "So you've got your army?" and the 3 of them are like "... What?" Toad suggests dropping a nuke on the city, but that won't work due to cockroaches.

The priest tells them they need a soul cage. DUN DUN DUN.

To be continued in approximately 45 minutes when we finish the movie.
Comments 
30th-May-2011 01:59 am (UTC)
:(

I thought you were watching Broken Path. That movie is hilarious - people get killed OH NO THEY DON'T oh yes they do OH NO THEY'RE MOVING.

And JYB saws a guy's arm off in that one too.

(I was going to say 'Someone has a fetish' but that's...a little too Rule 34 for me.)
30th-May-2011 01:34 pm (UTC)
Heee, we're going to try and watch that one next time the two of us get together. Assuming I can find a copy.
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