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Power Ranger Recaps
Hellbinders- why are we watching this again? 
29th-May-2011 09:50 pm
chuck
So I took over at the 45 minute mark, halfway through the movie. I have no idea what's going on. It might have been useful if I'd actually payed attention to the first 45 minutes? Then again... maybe not.

I'll be honest. I'm in it for Ray Park.

They need a vessel with no soul of it's own. Uh... this... is going to be Ray Park's character. He's going to be the vessel that's going to save the world. He's apparently not happy about this because it could mean the end of Super Hot Girlfriend.

JYB still has OBLIGATIONS to fulfill. He must need to go morph and be a ranger again. I can only hope.

Tattoo guy is supposed to be some kind of example? He's lived too long and made a lot of mistakes. I keep waiting for him to pull out a sword and intone "There can be only one." Seriously, that would have made this movie A LOT better. <3 Highlander.

Ray Park is totally worried Buddhist Monk Guy will molest him. He's not sure he wants his body to die, even though his soul has already moved on. Which begs the question how he's thinking, feeling, and living if he doesn't have a soul... because isn't that supposed to be the entire being of a person's thoughts and feelings? Or am I throwing in something other than Christianity to this? At least Ray Park is still on my screen.

JYB and Not A Highlander guy are expositing in the parking garage. I don't really care what they're saying. Mostly because they're doing a really bad job acting in this. I figure Not A Highlander guy is probably a better actor. I KNOW JYB is better than this.

Oh look, it's Dan Southworth! He's so pretty. Can I love that he's evil? There is lots of fighting that I really don't care about, except that Dan and Johnny are pretty.

Ray Park is about to fall asleep mid-ritual. I don't blame him. Were this movie not so gory, I might too. His eyes glowed. That must mean he's been ensouled with whatever good spirit thingy that will save the day. He goes and kills lots of people.

I would much rather watch a whole movie of JYB and Dan swordfighting while Ray Park narrates. Because his voice is DREAMY.

Dan Southworth then kills a lot of people with a blunt object. I... don't know why? Meanwhile, JYB is doing whatever his other obligations were. Mostly this involves speaking a lot of Japanese to some guy trying to eat his rice, and getting in an argument about saving the city versus whatever Rice Guy wants him to do instead. I also don't know why? Because I'm so not paying attention. Mostly I just want to go look for more Highlander clips.

Not A Highlander guy wants to know how Ray Park knows about the Knights Templar. There is something about Ireland and treasure and Ray Park wants to find the treasure and now I want to watch National Treasure too. They talk about people dying and war and armies and... I still do. Not. Know. WHY.

Not A Highlander knows the demons are looking for them, so they decide to go find them first. There is annoying scene change and lots of fighting that I really don't care about. Creepy Demon Lady is still enjoying arts and crafts time with blood. There is lots and lots of JYB, Ray Park, and Not A Highlander killing people. And more Dan Southworth sword fighting! That's nice.

They go to the garage thingy that the opening scene was in. Bad Cops are already dead on the floor. Demon Guys shoot Not A Highlander in the chest, but luckily he's mostly okay somehow. Super Hot Girlfriend is there. I'll be sad when she dies. Apparently so will Ray Park. JYB manages to knock them out instead of killing them and they get taken to the Buddhist Monk to perform what looks and sounds like an exorcism- minus the pea soup.

JYB is really good at rattling off the Japanese. Everybody else? Not so much.

Not A Highlander guy is apparently Catholic. He insults JYB and Ray Park because he has to go atone for his sins. Ray Park and JYB totally need to make out now. Instead they go eat pancakes and JYB thinks he's living in Groundhog Day, reliving saving the city over and over until he doesn't fail.

Dan Southworth suggests heading to the wastelands because their ranks have been diminished down to just whatever is in the building. Must not be a lot. Arts and Crafts Lady says wait through the night because The Gates will be open. Hey, that was a funny book!

This is a very, very Christian-centric movie.

Every time they say Beelzebub, I want to break out into Bohemian Rhapsody. And they say it A LOT.

Super Hot Girlfriend is now de-demoned, but has no clue what's going on. Apparently Monk Guy is dead now. Ray Park explains the whole movie to Super Hot Girlfriend and I STILL don't get it... or care really. ALL OF YOU ARE BETTER ACTORS THAN THIS.

I keep checking the time to see if this thing is over yet. Nope. Alas.

Final Battle at least. More gory killing of people. Arts and Crafts Lady finished and Demon Guy performs the ceremony and there is fire and lots of death and her guts come spilling out and it's gross and GOD THIS IS A REALLY BORING MOVIE.

Ray Park is stabbed by Super Hot Girlfriend. His body explodes and light comes pouring out of him and into Demon Guy and this is apparently the beginning of his end? Except mostly he just looks like a season 1 vampire from Buffy. Not A Highlander is going to sacrifice himself by falling into hell. I don't quite get how this is going to stop the demons from coming through? JYB has to kill him, but kind of fails, so Ray Park, who apparently isn't dead yet, stabs Demon Guy instead. They both go falling into hell. There is fire and brimstone. They must have read Dante's Inferno before writing this movie.

Ray Park gets his soul back in hell? Or something? And that somehow saves him and sends him back to Earth completely healed and whole and... what? Okay. Whatever. Super Hot Girlfriend ran away with the book. And Dan Southworth never came back. So... they left this open for a sequel. THIS MOVIE? A SEQUEL? NO!

OH THANK GOD IT'S FINALLY OVER.
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